How to Make a Proper Bedtime Bottle of Water
After 14.5 years, I finally revealed my arcane secrets to the kid, so I might as well tell you people too.
June 26, 2022
The Prep
Remove the lid from the bottle, throw out the old water, and rinse the bottle, lid, and straw thoroughly inside and out with hot water.
If the bottle is gross and requires more passionate attention, clean the entire apparatus with hot water and dish soap, and then rinse it all thoroughly with more hot water.
The Ice
Pack the cup a little beyond the top with ice.
Add room temperature water to the ice-packed bottle until the cubes melts a little.
Throw out the melt water and again fill the bottle past the top with ice.
The Water
Run the water cold, and then fill the bottle to the top with fresh water.
Gently navigate the straw through the ice floe youâve generated, and then confidently thread the top onto the bottle until itâs pretty tight.
If the bottle has a secondary lid, flip that closed.
The Prestige
Now. The most important step. The one that proves youâre a pro.
Because the user should feel like this is a professional operation conducted by a professional dad, use a clean dish towel or fresh paper towel to wipe the entire exterior of the bottle and lid.
Swab off all excess water or condensation until the bottle is coldâbut not wet.
Act like it matters.
The Presentation
Present the bottle to the user as though itâs no big deal, and say your traditional good night.
(You may wish to say, âHave nice sleepsâI LOVE you!â or similar.)
Finally, consider how lucky you are to have someone who still occasionally lets you perform a nearly useless act of love that you always try really hard to do well.
And, remember, everybody likes being given a glass of water.